Pike Lake Farm House, SK

I’ve been thinking a lot about my word.  “my word” that will describe/inspire/frustrate/challenge me for the next while.  I think I have it and the picture I posted is a clue.  I will reveal it Jan 1, 2011.

The idea came to me as I sat watching a performance called O.D.E.  by Vernon Alliance Church.  ODE stands for One December Evening.   I’m sitting with W3 on one side and my niece and W4 on the other, in the dark on a pew near the front of the stage.  The girls are dressed up in their gorgeous little Christmas dresses and I’m admiring my new boots…yes, I’m having a boot fetish, when the band begins to perform the song by Chantal Kreviazuk, “something in your eyes, makes me want to lose myself…” then goes on to “feels like home to me…”  and I am instantly transported from my boot admiring state to Pike Lake Saskatchewan, lying on the beige berber carpet, crying in front of our cheap stereo listening to this song over and over again.  Crying from deep down within.  My youngest was merely months old and I was all alone for some reason in our old ratty farmhouse.   The grey clouds of sadness were suffocating me.  You could call it postpartum depression or any clinical term but I called it awful.  I’ve repressed a lot of the memories around that time merely to self-preserve.  Snap back to the present and I have to seriously control some emotion.  Thank goodness it was dark!

I thought about the reason for the emotional attachment to the song and it has to do with NOT feeling like home where we lived.  I felt like I was living outside my body observing; because in my mind, I would not have chosen how things had turned out.  That’s all I’m going to say about that.  I did have clinical issues clouding my mental state.  4 children in less than 5 years will do that!

Music has a way of pulling out emotions long forgotten.  It’s good to revisit these feelings, but also to put them back where they belong.  A memory.  I’m grateful for time passing.

The cheesecake at the performance was delicious!