This blog post is like the lawn mower that needs many cranks and yanks of the cord to get it going. The choke has to be pulled and I’m not exactly sure where to start. If it will start.
I woke up today and finally didn’t feel time pressing in on me moving my priorities and distracting me from writing. April was so full of tests and commitments to my studies. Just an excuse, yes, and I’ll confess that my silence was because I broke my self preservation rule.
“Good grades (accolades) are not to go to my head and low marks (criticism) are not to go to my heart.” Thank you Emily for this.
I submitted a book “all about me” for a class that was for analysis of my happiness and my marks came back low. Really low. I know it was a comparison mark but she wanted more. More detail. More insight. And I wept while clutching the steering wheel driving past the turquoise lake in both anger and frustration. I felt beaten. With family and commitments there wasn’t more to give.
Bottom line was I didn’t feel enough after that assignment. Her critique went straight to my heart. The assignment required self-exposure and my vulnerability was showing.
And I wasn’t enough for an A.
That is a lie and I know it so but still I retreated into myself for safety and avoided blogging and all things of reflection. Perhaps it was time for that anyways?
There is a time for silence and recovery. Wounds need to heal and I’m getting up and shaking off the dust. In the big picture marks don’t matter. Understanding and knowledge are the growth I am aiming for. A synthesis of who I am and what I’ve experienced complete my degree.
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And now it is coming to summer and we’ve much going on.