october 13-053It’s been a couple of months since I’ve written here and the memories are piling up like books on my bedside.  All disordered and about ready to topple.  I wish I could explain why I stayed away. Madeline L’Engle argues that its hard to be creative in two domains at the same time, and that is probably why.

November and December were spent creating my final 3 research papers and going deep into a learning well.

December13-151Out of all my last 3 years of classes, this past semester was the most personal and therefor the most interesting.  I was filling up on my required history courses and my psychology classes were practical which took theory and tested it or should I say tested me.

I did research on feminism and science and imperialism and colonizing.  I discussed interpersonal relationships and how our attachment in childhood matters.

My attachment system in childhood has mattered.  

So this full circle of defining who I am, where I come from and what that looks like today was being synthesized these past months.  This wasn’t completed but is a continual process of consolidating my life. 

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And I turned 40.  

December13-084

Pre-Party fun with my girls
Pre-Party fun with my girls
Friends for life.  Here we are posing by the poster of the 1994 version of us.  Have we changed?
Friends for life. Here we are posing by the 1994 version of us. Have we changed?

December13-090I always imagined a 40 year old as a beige underpants wearing, high rise poly slacks, denim vest sporting woman who feathers her hair and drives a mini-van.

Someone stuck in thier twenties, definitely not sexy, and a slave to thier children.

Some days I feel like her.  But most days I do not.  

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Now that my degree and my goal is done I feel a void.  A void in my space.  When you work hard on a dream that required not only drive and will power but a sense of person, completing it is empowering but you’re left anti-climatic.  Kind of like Christmas no?

I get questions now like: What are you going to do now?  Where do you want to work?

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW? 

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This blog has always been a space for me to digest, record and create.  I have been thinking of changing the name and the theme for it’s really wide.  But then, I keep coming back to a similar theme of my writings.

Beauty exists in my everyday life. As it does everyone.

We just have to look for it.  I need to believe it’s there.

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This morning I sent off my 16 year old daughter to a third world country for 5 weeks to go be changed.  She’ll be holding hands with orphans, tasting lots of brown food, and sleeping outside on the ground.  Yep, I’m a bit worried but I’m also so happy that she is grabbing life and doing it.

untitled shoot-075 untitled shoot-076How are you going to grab 2014?  Maybe a word for the New Year?  

 

 

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